Web Find: No One Called Jones

Transcribed by Matt Morrison (edited by Neokai)
(herogreenlantern@hotmail.com)
From Brit Skits at [url]http://brit_skits.tripod.com/BritSkits.html[/url]

Feel free to distribute, but be sure to credit me and visit my site.
———————————————————————-

No One called Jones: From Rowan Atkinson: LIVE

[Setting: Rowan stands at a classroom podium, a stern teacher]

Come on, settle down please. Answer your names. Anus. Arsebandit.
Bottom. Clitoris. Where are you, Clitoris? Dodo. Enema. Fistup.
Come on, grow up please. Genital. I’m sorry, Genital. Herpes.
Still with us I see. Imadick. Imadick! Enema, you know Imadick
don’t you?

Jaculation. Myprick.  Has anybody seen Myprick? Come on! Somebody
must have seen Myprick! Very well. Remind me to beat Myprick a bit
later. Nicenquick. Ontop. Pube. Ahhh, Myprick!  So nice of you to
turn up. Yes. Well now that you are here Myprick, perhaps you’d like
to find a seat. Bottom, squeeze Myprick in there somewhere will you?

Rigid. Our Russian exchange student, Suckmeof. Tightfit. Upyoursh.
Vulva. Yourprick. And Zipper. Zipper? Absent.

Now then boys, the headmaster has asked me to speak to you this morning
on the subject of smut. All members of staff have noticed an alarming
increase of the use of silly humour and purile inuendo about the
school. Rigid, Fistup, Bottom, Out!

There have been some disgusting doodlings on the walls of the
lavatories.  Sit up straight Ontop. One or two unpleasant health
magazines have been found.  If you fall asleep Ontop, I shall be VERY
annoyed. And Mr Hardon tells me that there has been a great deal of
sniggerin in his biology class. Tightfit, for heaven’s sake, leave
Yourprick alone! I don’t care, Yourprick had no business poking
into your desk in the first place.

I will not put up with this kind of behaviour boys, and neither,
must I warn you will Mr. Gripbighardcock. This is a school for
the sons of gentlemen, and the theory is that someday you will
become a gentleman too. That is with the exception of Genital, who
appears to be turning into a fruit. So there will be an end to
this second form toilet humour where so much conversation is
devoted to smutty double entendre. Dodo Suckmeof Nicenquick,
detention Saturday. Right, I’m going to the staff room now,
and when I come back, if I catch Herpes in the corridor like the
headmaster did yesterday, then there’ll be trouble!

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